When Daddy left…

My biggest fear when I made the decision to leave my ex-husband was the reality that my children would not be raised in the same household with both mother and father.  I was terrified to be a single parent. Not because I was afraid of being a single woman but because I was afraid of being a single woman with children. I didn’t want that stigma. I didn’t want people automatically stereotyping me and my kids. I didn’t want to be seen as just “another black single mother with kids”.

I got over that.

God helped me realize that those “man made judgements and labels” is what the world sees, not what He sees. He still calls me by name. I embraced my fear and despite it’s challenges being a single mom has been hands down the biggest experience that has taught me and continuing to teach me so much about the real meaning of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

But the challenges.

There is nothing like hearing how hard or painful something is (i.e labor, toothache, migraine, grieving, betrayal, etc.) versus actually experiencing it first hand. You brace yourself as much as you can, then it hits you. I was familiar with single mothers saying how much their hearts can be in pain for their children yet, I didn’t fully understand until it was my time to bat.

Their father moved away from them.

Days before he relocated back to Dallas he called and informed me that he was simply relocating because “the city of Midland had drained him” and “nothing here for him in Midland ” and blah, blah, blah. My ears were waiting on him to state how this move was going to benefit his two children in someway. Yet nothing more than that old narcissism (a disorder in which a person has inflated sense of who they really or/self importance) rose from within.

“I…me…my…blah blah…me…blah blah….I…me…my” are the only words stated. I think my favorite excuse when he stated “I’m not trying to be that guy that only sees his kids every six months.” Well, that sounded “soothing” for the children’s sake but he currently only saw them twice a month and we live in a small town. He never asked to see them beyond that. Despite this particular “courtesy call” he stated that from now until he relocated he was going to try to spend every single moment with them and asked if it would be okay with me. As always, I agreed.

He never called to ask for them during that time. My heart was in pain for my children.

Our two boys (age 4 and soon to be 3) are at that age were they love to make believe, pretend, and have magical thoughts. So quite honestly, they currently think their dad is a Superhero. I dare not taint their tales of “daddy did this mommy” “or my daddy is the strongest”. I simply mimic their excitement and delight in their innocence knowing that there is only one member in our triad family that knows the reality of who daddy is in opposition to the fantasy of who he is not. I for many days and nights use to see him through those same eyes of innocence.

As predicted he simply waited for his court ordered day (24 hours every 1st, 3rd, 5th Tuesday of the month) to see them. During the exchange I asked if he had talked to the boys and informed them that he was moving away. He stated that he didn’t think they really understood. Needless to say that burden will be on me to explain.

My heart was in pain for my children.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to explain to my extremely intelligent 4 year old who currently marks off the days on a calendar when it’s time for he and his brother to go to daddy’s house and my soon to be 3 year old he simply says “time for dad’s house or is he at work again” how that little time with daddy will be longer. I am trying to think of new routes to avoid passing his apartment so that the kids won’t be tempted to look in the parking lot for his car when we pass by.

In addition to that, about 25 percent of what I felt was a slap in the face. I wanted to high tail it back to Dallas days after separating. However, I kept thinking I know he’s upset with me but despite how I feel, I am not going to take these boys away from their dad. He will eventually calm down and refocus on the children.

That never happened and as fate would have it Daddy left them.

From a moral standpoint had I asked someone to give up the their job with benefits, school (had just applied to go back to school), family, friends and move away with me at minimum if things were to not work out for whatever reason I would feel obligated to help them move back. I would offer to assist on moving them back considering they sacrificed so much for me.

I’ve had to accept that I felt that way because I have moral views and values. He doesn’t have that feeling because his character is totally void of moral views and values.  There are many men out there who would not ever think of moving away from their children regardless of their toxic relationships with their ex-wives or mother of their children.

I know many men that have literally gotten homes in the same neighbors that the mother lives so that the children can have the option and convivence of coming over whenever they want to. Then again, those are men with moral character, value, and sacrificial fathers. There is a difference.

So to my sons who will one day grow out of thinking that daddy is a superhero, who will eventually stop asking where daddy is, or when are we going to daddy’s house…daddy left. He moved away but God will never leave nor forsake us. God has shown me that I can not protect you two from every disappointment, heartache, or feelings of abandonment. As a mother learning this for the first time hurt me to my core. I have hence relinquished that feeling as well. All mommy can do is support you and guide your feeling the best I can but the healing that God will provide will be far greater than what we can even imagine.

You two will be stronger men and not broken men because of his choices. The sins of your father will NOT fall on you sons (Ezekiel 18:19-20).

You see…life has gotten better for us all since the day he left. This use to be very scary to me. We have way more then we had when he was in the household. We get blessed all the time for the most unexplainable reasons by people I don’t even get the pleasure of seeing a second time or knowing who they are. We have gone to restaurants before and right before I get ready to pay the bill the waiter informs me that someone has paid for our meal already.

I’ve hustled to pay off the lay-a-way for Christmas for the past two years now, there have been given hundreds (plural hundreds) of dollars from people at church who don’t have any idea who I am or my situation. I have gone back to school (finished my program in less than a year) started my own seasonal business, and meet some amazing people! I even had the honor of meeting former congressman Allen West last week at the Midland country club which I have now been twice. I don’t have country club money but God has had me there.

You see life for us my dear sweet sons got better…when daddy left and for that we wish him the best! My ex-husband is an amazing person and he tries his best. For that I have the utmost respect for him despite our trials and tribulations.

#she thinks out loud